saint theresa and me

This sculpture, the Ecstasy of Saint Theresa, by Bernini, has touched me more deeply than any other piece of visual art (I know little about art from a technical standpoint and offer here only my unprofessional observations).

For me, this sculpture has always stood as an invitation. It is like a good mystery. There she is, in rapture, but how did she get there? What does it feel like? Can she see the angel, feel the arrow of divine love? Does she recover? After how long?

And what about me? What would I do in the same situation? Is such an encounter possible for me? Do I even desire it? Would I run, or would I let the arrow pierce me, come what may?

One thing is sure; her rapture was so great that it is now memorialized in a chapel in Rome. in a sense, her rapture (the signifier) is unending here, just as it is in Heaven.

it calls to me now. and i would like to be so open.

ideas or encounter?

in my last post i discussed the importance of spending daily time with God. perhaps you wonder what that should look like. or maybe you'd tell me you already tried it... and it was absolutely boring. or maybe you don't want to believe it's boring because that shames your religious ideals, but your experience (and inability to stick with it) testify to a different story.

so i must clarify.

when i say, "spend time with God" i do not mean, "think about God" or "read about God." when i spend time with my husband, he's in the room and we're communicating and connecting at a heart level. it should be no different with God. rather, it should be deeper.

but if you grew up in the church, you have most likely been taught to relate to God with your mind, not your heart... and certainly not your spirit. The problem is that God's mind is very different from ours (see Isaiah 55:8-9). Repeatedly the Bible speaks of a reformation in our minds:

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. " (Romans 12:2)

this verse demonstrates the problem with mind-driven "time with God." our minds (until they are renewed) are conformed to this world. that does not refer simply to immoral thoughts, but also to sins like unbelief or reliance on human reasoning. the second half of the verse says we will only know God's will when we have transcended our carnal way of thinking, our human unbelief and logic, through the renewing of our minds. clearly, if we hope to walk with God, this renewing is of utmost urgency.

in First Corinthians 2:16, Paul says that "...We have the mind of Christ." that is our goal. First Corinthians 2 is all about refusing to rely on human wisdom, but relying instead on the Spirit--both power and spiritual wisdom. that's what it means to have the mind of Christ. literally, it means being so connected to Heaven that we allow our thoughts and ways of thinking to be overcome by His. then we, like Jesus, begin to only say and do what we see and hear from the Father (see John 5:19).

so let's get practical. what does this mean for your time with God? i am not advocating no more Bible reading. the Bible is an essential tool in renewing our minds, and we need to read it every day. but we must do more than read, study, and think. we must welcome a spirit-to-spirit encounter with God.

Jesus said, "...And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”

invite the Holy Spirit to manifest (reveal) Jesus to you. then wait. wait until you encounter God. you may not feel anything physically or receive a deep revelation, but you will know when you've encountered God because you will be changed. Second Corinthians 3:18 says, "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit." When we encounter Him, we are changed, and we become more like Him.

don't settle for less than a daily encounter. only in His presence is the fullness of joy (see Psalm 16:11). only in encountering Him do we find the love, the wisdom, the power needed for a victorious life.

excuses

when i was in college, i was (like all college students) extremely busy. i've heard it said that college life consists of three things, study, socializing, and sleep, and you can only pick 2 of the 3. juggling such a life left me always feeling like i wasn't quite living up to my personal standards and desires. something was always lagging, or missing. like never before, i learned the limitations of time.

in that atmosphere of demands beyond my ability, i found myself making excuses about spending time with God. i'd grown up with God. talking to Him was almost as natural for me as thinking. the way i saw it, i was continually carrying on a divine conversation in my head. perhaps it's just old fashioned and religious to think i need a regular "devotional" time. isn't God more organic than that? do i really need to put Him in my planner? can such structure really even have life... especially when it's just another thing on my too-long list of things to do? or so was my reasoning. and though i still read my Bible and prayed often (especially when i was responsible for leading something or life felt particularly desperate), i did not have a regular, daily time of prayer. (i also used my busyness during those years as an excuse for eliminating sabbath rest from my life.)

after living this lifestyle of excuses for several years, i met my husband mark. he saw things differently. rather than asking whether i had time to pray, he asked whether i could live a life of peace and victory without praying. was i overwhelmed by the stress in my life? was i too often short with others or negative about life? though i didn't want to admit it, the answer was yes. and what about the gifts and fruit of the Spirit? was i consistently manifesting them, even on my hard days? did i consistently take hold of the grace available to me, through faith, to live and act according to the mind of Christ? i had to admit that, though i had a lot of good beliefs about such things, my performance was not brilliant.

mark has modeled for me the tenacity of one who values time with God more than anything. for him it's not a religious duty he needs to fulfill. rather, it's his air, his breathing. he cannot handle life (who can, really?) without a daily encounter with the divine. from him i learned that the Bible really means it when it says "In Your presence is the fullness of joy" and "at Your right hand are pleasures forever more." (See Psalm 16:11.) Through joining mark in his pursuit, i discovered that when you really taste the goodness of God's presence, you cannot ever get enough... and nothing will stand between you and the desire of your heart.

can you live the Christian life without a daily devotional? yes. i did it for several years. and that entire time i was growing in my walk and even leading others. but i was not living victoriously. i was not living with God's perspective and power in my daily moments. i think it's very possible to be a growing Christian without a regular time with God. but i'm not convinced it's possible to live the Kingdom lifestyle (on earth as it is in heaven) without daily, prolonged communion with the King.

i'm no longer in college. but as a mother of two, my life is busier than ever. we are all busy; we all have excuses we can make. but rather than making excuses, let's make choices. none of us is so busy that meeting with God is impossible. and even if we were, we do not have to be slaves to our schedules (or our kids). the sacrifices are not always easy; but the choice is always available. for me, as a mother of young children, the sacrifice i have to make is sleep. for you, it may be something else.

sometimes we fill our lives with many good things and in the process miss the one or two really important things that God has set before us. let's evaluate our schedules and priorities. where are we going? what do our daily decisions say about us, and where will they take us? if the bliss of intimacy with God is on the top of our list, we must find a way, a place, a time (He will help us! and the reward will be so sweet!) to commune with our Lord, to lean into His kindness, everyday.

falling forward

it's saturday evening. much has transpired since my first fast in 3 and a half years. the kids and i have weathered another four days without mark; we've also weathered some colds and vomiting (as my parents' neighbors set off fireworks to celebrate the new year, i was fiercely embracing the toilet). i also received the highest paying job of my editing career yet, watched a great movie, and had a wonderful visit with old friends. it's been an eventful week.

so what of my fast? i made it. i kept food outside of my mouth for the allotted time, yet i ended feeling like it was a failure. rather than embracing my fast as i hoped to (and preached to mark about for years), i gave into my flesh and watched the clock. i didn't savor; i endured. don't get me wrong. failure is not a bad thing. and neither is endurance. failure, when viewed correctly, is simply a stepping stone forward. and endurance is always good, especially when you're in a desperate situation.

but i had chosen this fast, longed for it and anticipated it. yet in the moment, i could not savor the sweetness of communion. it was definitely humbling.

it is okay, though... more than okay, really. i received a reminder of my own frailty, of my tendency to talk more than i've experienced. i also received a greater measure of patience for others when they end early because i've been reminded that at the most basic gut-level, fasting is hard and not at all fun. best of all, Jesus was still delighted with my fast, honored by the sacrifice. yet he still invites me deeper, invites me to place of savoring him rather than hungering for food. my appetite whetted, i will keep leaning into this no-fun, hard discipline because on the other side (somewhere) i know must be bliss.

something i used to do

this week marks the first time in three and a half years that i am neither breast-feeding (pumping) nor pregnant. it's a small accomplishment, but for me it primarily means that i am once again eligible to complete a total food fast (i.e. just liquids). perhaps it's strange that this is my first "celebration" of the return of my hormones to the normal (or at least non-maternal) female state. certainly motherhood in itself is a sort of fasting -- fasting from independence, from the ability to do what i want when i want. and during my second pregnancy i did not eat any desserts, which definitely qualified as a fast. still, i have hungered for more.

as a teenager, i developed the habit of fasting one day a week because that was what my father had done for as long as i could remember. it just seemed like the right and normal thing for someone who loved God to do. my understanding back then was pretty limited; i had more than one "milkshake fast," and my lack of food rarely increased my prayer time. still, i learned one thing: fasting is doable. though i remember no significant encounter or even meaningful prayer time directly connected to fasting, i found myself week after week as a junior and senior in high school, sitting with my friends in the cafeteria, but eating nothing. it became normal for me. i knew i could do it. i believed probably anyone could do it.

in college i continued my fasting schedule, sometimes consistently and something sporadically, but my prayer life and hunger for God increased so that when i did fast, i saw the spiritual fruit in my life. after an 8-day fast my junior year, i became absolutely convinced that fasting is one of the most incredible experiences in the world. it's hard to explain. but it has something to do with the way God meets me when i'm physically weak and cold and so desperate for a cheeseburger. really, it's one of those things that can't be explained, but only experienced (perhaps i should be writing a poem about it instead... ).

by the end of college i was convinced that one day i would do a 40 day fast. i felt a tremendous sense of anticipation, wondering what kind of ecstasy might meet me. then a year later i got married and promptly became pregnant. of course, pregnancy and motherhood have been wonderful. but i have missed fasting and talked often about the day when i would no longer be pregnant or nursing.

so here i am. my excuses are gone. talking about it is no longer good enough.

do i have the strength to make good on my words? to resume a former habit? to flesh out my theory with hunger pains? i feel nervous. but in my heart i know that turning down such an invitation would be more painful than any missed meal.

i have decided. this tuesday begins my first fast in years. mark is at the one thing conference, so it seems like God-appropriate timing (i have no divine sign commanding a fast, but simply the smile of invitation). how long i will go has yet to be decided. i realize that this is like starting all over. my body (not to mention my mind and emotions) is not used to it. reason would say, "take it slow." so i will listen to reason, but i will listen to my heart too. we shall see what happens.

the dream

i recently watched a video of mike bickle sharing about the history of the international house of prayer (IHOP). for years before IHOP started he had a sign on the wall at his church that read "24/7 prayer in the spirit of the tabernacle of david." they'd received a clear prophetic word that they were called to do that someday, but they didn't really know what that meant. people would read the sign and ask about it, and mike would say, "we know we're called to do it, but we don't really know what it means or what it'll look like." years later, after IHOP had been going for 4-5 years, people started coming to mike and saying, "you're living your dream! i saw that sign on your wall all those years ago, and now you're doing it!"

mike would say, "no, IHOP is not my dream. it's my assignment, and i'm thankful for it. but it's not my dream. my dream is what happens between me and God in the secret place, it's being as close to Him as any human can possibly be. so if IHOP succeeds, my dream isn't helped. and if IHOP fails, my dream isn't hurt." (To watch the video, see "Prophetic History Session 1" at http://www.ihop.org/Group/Group.aspx?ID=1000047932.)

mike's dream statement struck me hard. i had to ask myself, "how would i respond if the ministry i'd poured myself into fell apart? would i feel hurt, disappointed, rejected, depressed, purposeless, angry...?" honestly, i don't think i would ride ministry crisis as smoothly as mike bickle. but i want to. i want my dream to truly be that one thing.

"One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple" (Ps. 27:4).

it is so easy to find our identity in what we do or dream of doing for God. it is so easy to let that be the driving force in our lives, rather than intimacy. but only when we stop taking ourselves and our assignments so seriously (it's not that we don't work hard, but just that we don't become so self-important) will we be able to truly lean in and behold the uncreated One.

nursing strike

i've found breastfeeding my babies to be one of the most beautiful and enjoyable parts of motherhood. i nursed my daughter, abigail, until she was 15 months old (and i was pregnant again). but just this week my son, evan, who will be 9 months old tomorrow, decided to stop nursing. it's been a harrowing couple of days trying to figure out if something's wrong and how to move forward from here. (we still don't have answers. he refuses to drink anything from breast, cup, or bottle, and seems perpetually unhappy, which is not normal for him.)

so on day three of this--in the midst of trying to get him to drink and eat, enduring his screaming, attempting to give abigail some attention, making many calls to the doctor, using the lonely, cold breast pump, missing my happy little man--i paused. in that moment, i felt the sort of desperation i have not felt in a long time, and i said, "God, is there something i can learn in all of this? please, i need a piece of your goodness to just soak in in the midst of this insanity."

immediately i heard him speak to my spirit, "imagine how i feel when my children deny themselves the food they need. think of how it affects them and how it affects me."

that was all i needed. i had gained heaven's perspective, and though it didn't resolve my stressful situation, it enabled me to see beyond my natural circumstances, to see with understanding. it reminded me that God grieves even more when i go on "nursing strike"--when i deny myself the nourishment of his presence and word. and with that insight into his heart for me, i resolved once again to lean in hard, to drink past intoxication in his presence.