nursing strike

i've found breastfeeding my babies to be one of the most beautiful and enjoyable parts of motherhood. i nursed my daughter, abigail, until she was 15 months old (and i was pregnant again). but just this week my son, evan, who will be 9 months old tomorrow, decided to stop nursing. it's been a harrowing couple of days trying to figure out if something's wrong and how to move forward from here. (we still don't have answers. he refuses to drink anything from breast, cup, or bottle, and seems perpetually unhappy, which is not normal for him.)

so on day three of this--in the midst of trying to get him to drink and eat, enduring his screaming, attempting to give abigail some attention, making many calls to the doctor, using the lonely, cold breast pump, missing my happy little man--i paused. in that moment, i felt the sort of desperation i have not felt in a long time, and i said, "God, is there something i can learn in all of this? please, i need a piece of your goodness to just soak in in the midst of this insanity."

immediately i heard him speak to my spirit, "imagine how i feel when my children deny themselves the food they need. think of how it affects them and how it affects me."

that was all i needed. i had gained heaven's perspective, and though it didn't resolve my stressful situation, it enabled me to see beyond my natural circumstances, to see with understanding. it reminded me that God grieves even more when i go on "nursing strike"--when i deny myself the nourishment of his presence and word. and with that insight into his heart for me, i resolved once again to lean in hard, to drink past intoxication in his presence.