something i used to do

this week marks the first time in three and a half years that i am neither breast-feeding (pumping) nor pregnant. it's a small accomplishment, but for me it primarily means that i am once again eligible to complete a total food fast (i.e. just liquids). perhaps it's strange that this is my first "celebration" of the return of my hormones to the normal (or at least non-maternal) female state. certainly motherhood in itself is a sort of fasting -- fasting from independence, from the ability to do what i want when i want. and during my second pregnancy i did not eat any desserts, which definitely qualified as a fast. still, i have hungered for more.

as a teenager, i developed the habit of fasting one day a week because that was what my father had done for as long as i could remember. it just seemed like the right and normal thing for someone who loved God to do. my understanding back then was pretty limited; i had more than one "milkshake fast," and my lack of food rarely increased my prayer time. still, i learned one thing: fasting is doable. though i remember no significant encounter or even meaningful prayer time directly connected to fasting, i found myself week after week as a junior and senior in high school, sitting with my friends in the cafeteria, but eating nothing. it became normal for me. i knew i could do it. i believed probably anyone could do it.

in college i continued my fasting schedule, sometimes consistently and something sporadically, but my prayer life and hunger for God increased so that when i did fast, i saw the spiritual fruit in my life. after an 8-day fast my junior year, i became absolutely convinced that fasting is one of the most incredible experiences in the world. it's hard to explain. but it has something to do with the way God meets me when i'm physically weak and cold and so desperate for a cheeseburger. really, it's one of those things that can't be explained, but only experienced (perhaps i should be writing a poem about it instead... ).

by the end of college i was convinced that one day i would do a 40 day fast. i felt a tremendous sense of anticipation, wondering what kind of ecstasy might meet me. then a year later i got married and promptly became pregnant. of course, pregnancy and motherhood have been wonderful. but i have missed fasting and talked often about the day when i would no longer be pregnant or nursing.

so here i am. my excuses are gone. talking about it is no longer good enough.

do i have the strength to make good on my words? to resume a former habit? to flesh out my theory with hunger pains? i feel nervous. but in my heart i know that turning down such an invitation would be more painful than any missed meal.

i have decided. this tuesday begins my first fast in years. mark is at the one thing conference, so it seems like God-appropriate timing (i have no divine sign commanding a fast, but simply the smile of invitation). how long i will go has yet to be decided. i realize that this is like starting all over. my body (not to mention my mind and emotions) is not used to it. reason would say, "take it slow." so i will listen to reason, but i will listen to my heart too. we shall see what happens.

the dream

i recently watched a video of mike bickle sharing about the history of the international house of prayer (IHOP). for years before IHOP started he had a sign on the wall at his church that read "24/7 prayer in the spirit of the tabernacle of david." they'd received a clear prophetic word that they were called to do that someday, but they didn't really know what that meant. people would read the sign and ask about it, and mike would say, "we know we're called to do it, but we don't really know what it means or what it'll look like." years later, after IHOP had been going for 4-5 years, people started coming to mike and saying, "you're living your dream! i saw that sign on your wall all those years ago, and now you're doing it!"

mike would say, "no, IHOP is not my dream. it's my assignment, and i'm thankful for it. but it's not my dream. my dream is what happens between me and God in the secret place, it's being as close to Him as any human can possibly be. so if IHOP succeeds, my dream isn't helped. and if IHOP fails, my dream isn't hurt." (To watch the video, see "Prophetic History Session 1" at http://www.ihop.org/Group/Group.aspx?ID=1000047932.)

mike's dream statement struck me hard. i had to ask myself, "how would i respond if the ministry i'd poured myself into fell apart? would i feel hurt, disappointed, rejected, depressed, purposeless, angry...?" honestly, i don't think i would ride ministry crisis as smoothly as mike bickle. but i want to. i want my dream to truly be that one thing.

"One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple" (Ps. 27:4).

it is so easy to find our identity in what we do or dream of doing for God. it is so easy to let that be the driving force in our lives, rather than intimacy. but only when we stop taking ourselves and our assignments so seriously (it's not that we don't work hard, but just that we don't become so self-important) will we be able to truly lean in and behold the uncreated One.

nursing strike

i've found breastfeeding my babies to be one of the most beautiful and enjoyable parts of motherhood. i nursed my daughter, abigail, until she was 15 months old (and i was pregnant again). but just this week my son, evan, who will be 9 months old tomorrow, decided to stop nursing. it's been a harrowing couple of days trying to figure out if something's wrong and how to move forward from here. (we still don't have answers. he refuses to drink anything from breast, cup, or bottle, and seems perpetually unhappy, which is not normal for him.)

so on day three of this--in the midst of trying to get him to drink and eat, enduring his screaming, attempting to give abigail some attention, making many calls to the doctor, using the lonely, cold breast pump, missing my happy little man--i paused. in that moment, i felt the sort of desperation i have not felt in a long time, and i said, "God, is there something i can learn in all of this? please, i need a piece of your goodness to just soak in in the midst of this insanity."

immediately i heard him speak to my spirit, "imagine how i feel when my children deny themselves the food they need. think of how it affects them and how it affects me."

that was all i needed. i had gained heaven's perspective, and though it didn't resolve my stressful situation, it enabled me to see beyond my natural circumstances, to see with understanding. it reminded me that God grieves even more when i go on "nursing strike"--when i deny myself the nourishment of his presence and word. and with that insight into his heart for me, i resolved once again to lean in hard, to drink past intoxication in his presence.

greasy friends

i've often heard proponents of so called "greasy grace" criticized for their theology of "it doesn't matter if i sin because God'll forgive me." certainly this attitude is not the heart of the gospel. instead, it is a deep offense to God's affection for us. having formed my beliefs regarding "greasy grace" quickly, i never took much time to think further on the subject; it seemed too obvious.

lately, however, i have encountered (perhaps recognized would be more accurate) an off-shoot of "greasy grace" that relates not to God, but to other Christians. the scenario goes something like this:

the greasy gracer feels confident that her friends will forgive her oversights, her abuses, her laziness. they won't complain when she returns their nearly new DVD with a big, new scratch; they won't get angry when she backs out of her committments and inconveniences them; they won't feel slighted when she asks them to do her a favor (repeatedly) for free. no, she knows that emotions like anger and frustration and greed (or the appearance of them) aren't very godly, so she feels comfortable with this subtle abuse of and disrespect toward their friendship. certain she doesn't think of it in these terms. she believes she treats others the way she wants them to treat her. she believes Christians should be one big community freely giving and taking without boundaries; after all, that's what they did in the book of Acts, right?

i've never felt comfortable with this perspective, but could not explain my unease... until now. now i see that this dependence upon the good will (grace, if you will) of others is simply laziness and disrespect. when i say to God, "i know i shouldn't do this, but i don't feel like exerting the effort to discipline myself, and i know you'll forgive me...", i am essentially saying, "i don't really care about your heart. your friendship isn't that important to me." and it's the same with others. when i value a friendship, i go out of my way to serve and bless the other person. i do my best to not become a burden to them because of my mistakes or laziness. certainly i know they will have grace for me when i fail, and i am so thankful for that, but i value them so much that i would never determine my actions by measuring how far i can stretch their grace. i value their unique personality and abilities and do not take their help or time for granted. (i would not expect them to do for me for free what they would otherwise be paid for.)

(as a side note, the stories from the book of Acts are historical accounts of what happened. but no where in the Bible does God command us to emulate the actions of the early church. certainly they did many things right, but they made their mistakes too. we must be careful about translating events into commands. in other words, their efforts at community are not intended as a blueprint for us. we can learn from it, but we cannot make it into doctrine.)

so what does this have to do with leaning?

in my first post i mentioned two kinds of leaning: leaning on (due to weakness) and leaning in (pursuit). i now must add a third (negative) type: leaning against (due to laziness). i want to always lean in and to lean on when i need to, but may i never lean against God or others out of laziness!

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord (Romans 12:10-11 NIV).

an introduction

"Who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?"
-Song of Solomon 8:5

in a culture that is increasingly individualistic and independent, this blog is about my journey toward dependence, toward "leaning" on my beloved. i grew up thinking i could do and understand a lot of things. but in his kindness, Jesus has begun to show me my weakness. so i lean on him.

and i lean into him. i choose not only to lean because i have to (confronted with my neediness), but also because i want to. i lean in, even when life isn't hard. i lean in because i desire him, because i love his presence.