this week marks the first time in three and a half years that i am neither breast-feeding (pumping) nor pregnant. it's a small accomplishment, but for me it primarily means that i am once again eligible to complete a total food fast (i.e. just liquids). perhaps it's strange that this is my first "celebration" of the return of my hormones to the normal (or at least non-maternal) female state. certainly motherhood in itself is a sort of fasting -- fasting from independence, from the ability to do what i want when i want. and during my second pregnancy i did not eat any desserts, which definitely qualified as a fast. still, i have hungered for more.
as a teenager, i developed the habit of fasting one day a week because that was what my father had done for as long as i could remember. it just seemed like the right and normal thing for someone who loved God to do. my understanding back then was pretty limited; i had more than one "milkshake fast," and my lack of food rarely increased my prayer time. still, i learned one thing: fasting is doable. though i remember no significant encounter or even meaningful prayer time directly connected to fasting, i found myself week after week as a junior and senior in high school, sitting with my friends in the cafeteria, but eating nothing. it became normal for me. i knew i could do it. i believed probably anyone could do it.
in college i continued my fasting schedule, sometimes consistently and something sporadically, but my prayer life and hunger for God increased so that when i did fast, i saw the spiritual fruit in my life. after an 8-day fast my junior year, i became absolutely convinced that fasting is one of the most incredible experiences in the world. it's hard to explain. but it has something to do with the way God meets me when i'm physically weak and cold and so desperate for a cheeseburger. really, it's one of those things that can't be explained, but only experienced (perhaps i should be writing a poem about it instead... ).
by the end of college i was convinced that one day i would do a 40 day fast. i felt a tremendous sense of anticipation, wondering what kind of ecstasy might meet me. then a year later i got married and promptly became pregnant. of course, pregnancy and motherhood have been wonderful. but i have missed fasting and talked often about the day when i would no longer be pregnant or nursing.
so here i am. my excuses are gone. talking about it is no longer good enough.
do i have the strength to make good on my words? to resume a former habit? to flesh out my theory with hunger pains? i feel nervous. but in my heart i know that turning down such an invitation would be more painful than any missed meal.
i have decided. this tuesday begins my first fast in years. mark is at the one thing conference, so it seems like God-appropriate timing (i have no divine sign commanding a fast, but simply the smile of invitation). how long i will go has yet to be decided. i realize that this is like starting all over. my body (not to mention my mind and emotions) is not used to it. reason would say, "take it slow." so i will listen to reason, but i will listen to my heart too. we shall see what happens.
